♎

commodores says.......

2012-01-10T04:37:00.000-08:00

a project with M Aryo Bimo Yuwono & Nanda Yufi J

coming soon

a face to call home

2011-11-27T05:21:00.001-08:00

I'm an architect of days that haven't happened yet
I can't believe a month is all it's been
you know my paper heart
the one I fill with pencil marks
I think I might have gone and bid you well

little by little, inch by inch
we built a yard with a garden in the middle of it
iit ain't much but it's a start
you got me swinging right along to the song in your heart

and a face to call home
a face to call home
you got a face to call home

maybe I could stay a while, I'm talkin' like all of the time...

-four years, six month, twenty five days

just a reminder: Ilvy. Always.

love lost

2011-10-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

"love isn't always about loving. it isn't always about embraces, caresses & kisses.

it's about whole-heartedly accepting, being sincere, honoring a soul as they are, depressing our ego, valuing someone more, converting both-selves, and more more more."

but, when we're being with someone too long, sometimes we tend to forget their goodness. as if their goodness are mere common occurrences, no longer needing any recognition or thank you. we don't treasure them as we actually should. things I mentioned above is read as rules, while actually they aren't.

we become accustomed with things that used to give us flickers inside.

we forget.

we stop cherishing.

we start to be more demanding, being ungrateful with what we have, and those can lead us to the wrong path.

I've been there, I've walked on that path. it was good, but it felt wrong. it was beautiful, but when I saw it closer, I thought, "I've seen this before, the one which is much more prettier". I was happy, but I knew I had have been happier once. and that's when remorse rushed in.

now, everytime I look back on those days, I always feel nauseous. it hurts, because I know I've hurt someone who loves me, someone who makes me feel like 'somebody'. but I'm one fortunate girl, because I didn't lose my 'highlight of my days'. we survived, and this time, I've promised myself I'll love him much better.

make a promise with yourself to value someone's presence, before you ache yourself because of their absence.

appreciate the one you've chosen to build the path with, because you never know, what if s/he's the ones who loves you the best?

love truly. love fully. love more daily.

to those phrases I believe.

lifeline

2011-06-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

if you don’t want to be hurt, don’t feel it. if you don’t want to witness unrighteous things, just close your eyes. if you don’t desire to hear inclement voices, cover your ears. surround yourself with pretty things & lively earthlings. gather love & bliss. appreciate what you have.

because……

if they say that ‘happiness is a choice’, well, it really is.

four-ever

2011-05-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

it's been 4 years/48 months/1460 days since May 2nd, 2007
thank you for always be here, in my every days, giving me the means to be happy.
thank you for this feeling of being home, always safe & sound.
thank you for everything, 'cos words can't even describe.
thank you very much ♥

here is for the one who gives highlight to my days,

"Happy Anniversary"

4 years from AJasmine on Vimeo.

I've loved you all along, I love you still and you know I always will.
because this love; the kind that never fades & when you experience everything makes sense :-)

pers(one)al

2011-04-03T03:16:00.000-07:00

the sense of dependence is not something that had been existed since our first breath of air. though actually, we live depend on the availability of it— the air. but whether we're conscious about it or not, breathing becomes a habit. it is not something that works voluntary; yes, because we can hold our breath. but it's also not something we can stop & live without.

it's written everywhere that we, humans & other earthlings, are social being. as a person, our dependency to other people is absolute. but everyone needs their own time too. to be alone, to see & hear what's on their deepest soul without others' voice, to decide something based on their own pretension.
but overtime, we get clingy. very often, we precede the opinions we got from others until eventually, those opinions obscure our true desire. and we lose it; dreams, desire, the essential things that keep someone solicitous to live. we're no longer who we were. because we let others overtook ourselves. others always say that they know how it feels to be us, but no. we never knew what it's like to be others, and vice versa.

the correlation between people is different with what the air has to do with our existence.
remember:
once in a while, we need our time to be alone.

► "company is okay, solitude is bliss."

beyond

2011-02-03T03:38:00.001-08:00

'I love you' is not as simple as it spelled. 3 short words, but contains a mixture of feelings which are intense & true. those 3 words shouldn't bear all of it; because sometimes, the weight of the love we feel is much more than the length of the saying itself.

so...
hey you, I love you more than 'I love you'.

one of those days

2010-12-30T01:40:00.000-08:00

"in your life, there will be days when your life path may change, depends on whether you're willing to take chances or not."

...said a friend of mine.

you've been walking on a long straight road throughout your life. until one day, you find that the road is divided to several other roads. when you're accustomed to walk on a fixed road, ramified one can intricate you much.

where to go? which one to choose? is it the right one?
no one knows.

all you can do is listen to the deepest part of yourself. have faith. choose the road which you think is salutary because everything that will happen next is a mystery. live your choice without regret. face every bits of the road that lies ahead with a brave heart, composed mind & steady psyche.

whatever happens next, let it happens.
because sometimes, it is just a twist of fate.

you

2010-12-30T01:32:00.000-08:00

pardon the low resolution, it's taken with my cellphone camera.

2010-10-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

pukul aku jutaan kali, tidak akan kau lihat satupun memar disini

karena aku adalah berlian, yang makin kau tempa makin bersinar adanya
menjadi indah bukan berarti menjadi rapuh, karena sebelum indah sudah berkali-kali terjatuh

pukul lagi jika kau mau, banting aku sekuatmu
yang kan kau lihat hanyalah aku yang sama
tapi dengan sisi baru yang terbentuk, kan kupantulkan milyaran berkas cahaya

kubuat silau matamu,
takkan ada yang lebih baik bisa kau lihat setelahku

too random till I can't find a title that suits it well

2010-09-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

in every massive rain, every storm, we habitually wait for it to end. but are we going to just wait, without doing something worthy, or even delighting? why don't we just keep walking, trying to find the sun-drenched rainbow which maybe, forms somewhere? but walking alone with raindrops pouring on you is not a gratifying thing to do.

we all need a friend, a company to walk through the storm to find a surprising little treasure from mother nature.

have you find yours?
luckily, I have ♥

a masquerade

2010-09-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

everyone has their own frailty, and each other blind spot varies too.
what's yours? what's mine?
the ones who know it well are ourselves.

me, personally, not the kind of person who love to show my vulnerability. well, that doesn't mean I'm introvert. I'm quite loud & extrovert —some people said no, though. when I'm happy, you'll see my teeth keep showing up. when something bothers me, my eyebrows connected & I frown.
but hey, some of us have the superiority in hiding their feelings; and fortunately, I am one.
there are times when I don't want people know what's going on inside me, don't let them see what is in my head through my eyes. I keep putting on my happy mask, all smile, behave cheerfully; acting like everything's fine, although actually, something's wrong.

why am I doing that?
because for me, to be vulnerably exposed is scary.
there are people who are immoral enough to laugh above your suffering. I'm not thinking negative, but evil people do exist. they use your weakness to strike you down and that's what I'm anticipating.

on the contrary, showing your vulnerability has positive impact too.
by letting people know about it, you've indirectly told them that you're having a problem, you're weak or hurt, and you're doing the best you can. I believe people would understand, some might even help. but remember, you can't avoid the fact that you can't expect everybody to understand your vulnerability.

confused? me either.
so... vulnerability is something we should point out, or not?
share me your thoughts :-)

2010-08-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

restraining your anger, jealousy, or hatred won't make things get better. but letting them out liberally neither. why not washing them off with grace, kindness & patience?

you can't have it all

2010-08-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

ego
3 letters, a word
small & short, yet strong enough to ruin everything which lies along with it

ego could be a fervency for us, but at the same time, it could be a fire that burns our sanity to ashes and leaves nothing but the ego itself.

to be the 'one' —the best one, the great one, the only one; we need ego.
but... when ego flourishes, our true self come out.
we don't care about the others, our egoism level run high, the rule of "I am me & you are you" applies, walls are built to set ourselves apart from others, we live inside the walls, alone.

when we think we're proper enough to be the one, we go out of our walls.
since we live in a world by our own, we can't see the real world out there. where people's ego are colliding to each other, making efforts to be stand-out, or trying to give a heartfelt bow to other forceful ego. seeing the circumstances around, we're startled. we feel small. we are nothing.
who we think we were are not who we are. but after a while, we see, we learn that to be the 'one' doesn't have to make the world only for you.

in real life, people win some and people lose some. remember: we can't have it all. if we insist to make it the way we want, eventually..... we'll get nothing.

ego
we need it, we have it
but there are times when all we need to do is just look around & realize that this world is not just about you
it ain't yours, nor mine; it's ours

2 hours from here

2010-07-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

driving aimlessly around the city with city lights gleaming along the road. side to side. talking about what the future might bring. holding hands. your silly face. babbles about everything. junk food & milk. frank talk. head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. humming to the song playing. silly little toy with blue light that flies. stop by at a mosque to pray. laughs & cries. keychain with special guards. your soothing caress hugs and kiss. goodnight calls & morning messages. your scent. dreamcatcher. pink mushroom plush & dumbo. evening twilight with drizzle falls from above. you- sniffing my hair. 311’s love song. tracing the veins on your hand. stroke on the hair;

those are still half of the things I’m going to miss.
it’s no farewell, dear. you’ll come back home & I’ll wait here with my open arms.

take care & be safe,
I love you ♥

time to pretend

2010-07-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

....yet, people say that nobody is perfect. I therefore want to be nobody. I want to be perfect. Being perfect is not impractical. It's totally achievable, no?

I personally don't think so. we all have flaws, all we can do is accentuate it, or conceal it. you can make yourself look perfect, but being perfect? no, I think it's not achievable.

nobody's perfect.
copied from my fme

a friend of mine said....

2010-06-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

whatever happens, don't lose your cool.

precio(us)

2010-06-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

everyone is precious
just like gold, pearl, firewood, diamond, even petroleum
but
not everyone preciousness is visible
and to make it seen, we can do everything to bring the unique side out

gold
streaming down the river along with the water and the other aquatics
the gold seekers distill the water with their hand and sieve to find pips of gold
after a lot of work, they bring it to the cold handed to accentuate it with blings, or make it as a finery

pearl
hidden in the bivalve shells of the clam, rested on the heart of the sea
the pearl divers submerge into the deep to find its treasure; the clams who have pearl inside it
breathe in, breathe out, until they find it and take it to the land
furbish it and there you are; a very glistening pearl, ready to be stringed or put as the diadem of jewelery

you
covered with beautiful fabrics, fancy accessories and moving in elegance
problems keep coming in, questions never stopped popping, chit-chats muttering negative talk about you
and the other exhausting & headspinning things
those will make you well-polished, feature the best out of you; they make you shine
and the moment where you can tide over them, that's when your preciousness seen

don't worry
as time passes and the number of things we've beaten is climbing up
we'll evince, that:

we are precio(us)

she dropped me this

2010-06-17T07:01:00.000-07:00

the sun of today: Hestia Istiviani. she wrote about me on her blog. I've read it & her post really brighten up my day. she's just too sweet ♥

Hz —that's the way I call her, is a very smart girl. she's endowed with the talent in playing piano. I've never heard her playing, but I bet she'd make my jaw dropped. one thing I clearly remember about her is she loves reading comics! back then, she used to poison me to read her Bleach comic and.... yes, she got me. aah, how I miss her.

well, thank you so much Hz, for being a sweetheart like this. you got the brain, you got the talent, you got the attitude & you'll get the world :-)

a lesson for little fairy

2010-05-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

good night, little floral fairy. how's your day? what's up with the pout on your bonny face?

hello, dear Mama Fairy. oh, can you sense my crocked body? there are eons of flower I should take care of. some of them are handy, but a few on the Amor lot are arduous. I'm so tired & weary. can I switch with the forest fairy? she seems always happy, her lips never stops making that lovely crescent shape...

Mama Fairy laughed in her sweet and tender voice. she lifted the floral fairy and placed her on her own lap.

do you know the duties of a forest fairy, my dear?

keeping the forest green and making the trees and another outgrowths happy. am I right?

those are true. but haven't you heard about the black-hearted creatures? they are trying to destroy our forest. they bring a monstrous ticking thing & hundreds of human with their roaring saw..

oh! why God create those meanie, Mama Fairy? and what about the forest fairy? how could she smile when she got heaps of backbreaking job?

this is the essence of my story, little fairy. the forest fairy, despite her job demands a lot of work, she does it without a feeling of compulsion. she happily sings for the greens, vigorously fights the miscreant and she doesn't even whine. behind her smile, she must be bushed...

what a pity... compared with hers, my duties are nothing. Mama Fairy, I'm such a goosy. I should be grateful, other fairies are not as lucky as I am. they have more problem & responsibility. I'm sorry, Mama Fairy; for mindlessly complain about my duties & my weary. for not noticing my surrounding...

nothing to worry, dear... what matter is you've learned a lesson.

yes, Mama Fairy. lesson learned!

Mama Fairy hugged the flower fairy and together, they walked to the amor lot, trying to dope the injuries.

T/F

2010-05-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

a good friend will walk with you through the right pathway, even though it's horrible & harsh.
but a good friend will never let your feet step over the wrong pathway, even if it's beautiful & heavenly in every way.

sense of dependence

2010-05-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

people has their own definition for love. so, I'll tell you mine
.
.

love is like rollercoaster

she's the chain of rollercoaster cars & he's the trackway

he fabricates her promenade
she resignedly creeps along
he briefly gets her high-up
but seconds after, he hurtles her down

sometimes nausea comes over her
but she simply inhales
there's nothing she can do
because she relies her living on him

without the trackway,
a chain of rollercoaster cars can't tell you indirectly, that life has ups & downs
a chain of rollercoaster cars won't render you its startling fun
a chain of rollercoaster cars can't be in motion
a chain of rollercoaster cars is mute

because without the trackway, there's no such thing called rollercoaster

earth to bella

2010-05-12T05:07:00.000-07:00

life is like climbing a tree. you want to reach out the top, so you'll be able to see the picturesque scenery. you climb and climb, leaving the obstacles dead behind. and finally, there you are. right on the bud of the tree. you'll get used to be showered by the golden rays of sun every dawn and lullabied by the lulling hum of the crepusculars

do you know the saying, "once you got on the top, you wouldn't want to touch the ground"?
that's true. you'll feel it when you're already above

when dreams get real, goals achieved and desire fulfilled, fear-and-worry gale blows from the south. trying to drag you down from your throne and their troops start to violently overthrow you. you try your best to keep your crown; clench firmly to the dangling roots, but the bane of worries are now flowing in your blood. till at last the wicked wind wins, your system is ruined

a sudden blackout; you float for a sec and when you open your eyes, you're on the ground with pairs of earthlings' eyes staring on you. paralyzed, you are out of mind. helping hands are nowhere. your feet are too weak to arise, since you're so used with sitting and idling around. pearls of tears flow down your cheek, the sense of remorse overwhelms your heart.......................

"God makes you float between those cottony cloud, but if you forget where you are from, he might drown you deep down to the heart of the ocean"

2010-05-03T03:17:00.000-07:00

being unlucky is a part of growing up

home

2010-05-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

I'm going to tell you about a place called Home,

they say: it's the safest place on earth
filled with warmth and the smell of fresh-baked cookies
where laughter and joy permanently live
from a miraculous thing named family

I'm going to tell you about a place called Home,
they say: it has roof, walls, windows and doors
there are bedroom, kitchen and garden
a garden to plant freesia, or maybe, honeysuckle
and they will elegantly bloom like a cherry blossom girl

I'm going to tell you about a place called Home,
but it won't be a 'they say'
I'll define it with my own voice
so yes, here it goes...

it's your shoulder and your chest; the part between
the place where I belong
the destination of my endless vacation
my rest area

what's Home, for you?

a question from the wise

2010-04-30T02:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a long time since I had such a relieved; knowing that there's someone who knows about your position, your lie of the land. well, someone has just asked me on my formspring. wonder why his question is 'special'? because his question gave me a kind of electric shock.

would you turn around to see the faces of jugglers and clowns in the streets whose doing cheap tricks for you ? just so they won't frown ? does a petty appreciation really that matters ?

motionless, I read it like 7 times and still, I haven't type anything.
I thought, "damn it, you got me right."/"his question is just like what has happened on me these past days."/"he knew it!"/etc. yes, he was merely right.
my mind kept whirling, hundreds of thoughts were flowing in, until after about 5 minutes I started typing...

I wouldn't, for sure. but the jugglers & clowns around me are lucky, they have a good mask to cover it up. since people don't know what's behind their mask, they would think I'm rude for not giving that farce credits.

"it's hard, when people around you can't see which one is wrong or right"

if you were me, how would you answer the question? don't visualize yourself as me, please. answer it with your circumstances. it'd be so nice to hear the result of your contemplation :-)

life and its lessons

2010-04-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

last Monday, I was on my way to school when I read about this shocking news in twitter. my friend & my school mate, Dimas Taufik Hidayanto passed away. he's been struggling with scarlet fever for about a week, and it seemed like he's done with it. tragic indeed, since he's the only child in his little family.

that Monday morning, the whole 11th graders came to the his house. he was there, lying motionless, his chest was still. no sound of breathing, no symptom of life. everyone wanted to see him, but I was not one of them. I'm afraid. I hate death; everything related to death gives me thrill. the bereavement of Dimbo —that's how we call him, made me think and think.

"life has its endpoint. it's written on everyone's fate, every creature's fate."

when someone is having a happy life, who wants to draw the curtain on? no one. but that's life. we live now, knowing that one day we'll die, makes we want to make the most of it. cherish every moment, give your best effort in everything, do what you want to do; because we can't surmise death's arrival.

people come and go. just like what happens in life. babies born, old people die. that's the circle of life. God has his way to oversee it, trust him. in every loss we feel, we gain more from it. what we get could be everything. friends, material things, even love.

live your life, people. don't waste it.
to live is a gift. it's not about how you born or how you dead, it's about how you live it.

p.s:
rest in peace, Dimbo. I know you're having a better life now, you did great jobs back then. we'll always remember you.
we love you :-)

►

2010-04-21T03:23:00.000-07:00

we'll sing love songs about heartbreak and grief
sing it's not just music but the pains not brief
we sing, how your love is like a knife to the back
well.. I was stabbed and bleeding
but still begging for attack

Slow Glass//Noah and the Whale

inhale, exhale

2010-04-12T05:29:00.000-07:00

silent is golden.
yet to keep your mouth silent, it takes a lot of patience.

senses

2010-04-11T04:51:00.000-07:00

he covered up his mistakes by saying that it was her broken promises. he took off his clothes to show people his wounds. in the middle of the riot, he shouted, "it's her who messed me up"

the buzzing crowd were stopped. they looked at her and seemed like ready to chop
"she used to do the same thing and now I'm doing a revenge.
karma, darling. haven't you heard about such a thing?"

she walked towards the man who put on his face of innocence. she wanted to kill him with the gun in her hand, but she knew that wouldn't make a sense

so, she just whispered in his left ear, "I'm refraining myself not to shoot you here. I think you're a coward for asking people on your back to cheer. don't you realize that you're hiding behind the karma, dear?"

hiding behind the karma supposed to be a song title. zahriyal alif, hanifati cerelia & me were talking about karma and we concluded that many people do wrong things but they use karma as the reason. well, agree or disagree?

smoke it out

2010-04-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

♥

speechless

2010-04-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

tell me it's another april fools joke

what makes a girl beautiful?

2010-03-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

this question came out when I was showering this morning. covered with soapsuds, I look at myself. one hideous scar, unwanted fat —my body. I was thinking, why God gives me them? those things are girls' biggest enemy and I have them. I remember those girls who wear bikini, their flat tummy, long skinny legs, porcelain skin; they're beautiful and they know how to accentuate their beauty. what do you think when you see them?

yesterday, a good friend of mine, Ririe Rachmania tweeted:

enak ya yang terlahir dengan wajah cantik, bodi bagus, otak yahut, tapi tanggung jawabnya ke Allah lebih besar

tapi tanggung jawabnya ke Allah lebih besar.
this line hits me to the deepest core of my being. girls has an ability to seduce boys, even without taking off our clothes. we are seductive, girls. when boys are seduced, they would do everything to satisfy their lust. haven't you heard about that sexual abuse, harrasment or all those things? let's give ourselves a wake up call.
boys won't do such things if they aren't tempted to. we use micro mini skirt, dress, pants; ever wonder about what boys think when they see us or our legs, to be exact? we've seduced them indirectly and those lead to sexual harrasment. sounds too much, but let's admit that it's true.

when I rinsed off the foam from my body, I thought, "God has given me this wonderful and perfect body. Perfect here, doesn't mean beautiful. but it IS perfect. I can use my body to do a bunch of laborious activities, I can do everything with it. these flaws, they're protecting me. they might make me can't wear some type of clothes, but that way, they've avoided me from the guys who see me like I'm a F-ing porn star. I should be grateful. Thank, God."

girls with flaws are special 'cos God loves them more.
oh, I've got the answer of my question, anyway.

monkey love

2010-03-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

mine to get, possess, own, love.
mine to waste, play, make fun.

boys to girls, girls to boys.

I wonder what you think about
your brain is twirling but your mouth is shut
I tried to peek inside it
but I went home disappointed

all I need is your certainty
'cos yes, I don't want to lose my dignity
I run after you like cheetah runs after its prey
and this time the answer I brought back is grey

stop giving me up-to-you's
it splits my head into two
tell me frankly
do you still want me, dear?

go, if you feel it's the right time to leave
stay, if you think we can repair this shattered machine

shock & awe

2010-03-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

Natasha Khan
"Bat For Lashes"
unique voice. quirky style
ravishingly beautiful. oh-so-breathtaking

reality

2010-03-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

"everybody is good at heart. but the crowd you choose to hang out with, it influences you."

the reason why

2010-03-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

"aku tidak pernah suka keramaian."

semua orang sibuk berkoar, tentang pikiran mereka. apa yang terlintas, asal dikatakan saja. "aku tidak suka itu!", seru seseorang. sebuah suara membalas, "tapi itu lebih baik, kan?". dua orang memulai, yang lain ikut saja tanpa melerai.
semua sibuk. semua mau pikirannya didengar. semua merasa dia yang paling benar. semua minta pengakuan. bahwa dia-lah yang paling pantas didengarkan.

pernah terpikir ada orang yang bersuara kecil?
ya, ada. dan itu aku.

mereka bilang suaraku kecil, lemah, seperti orang yang habis lari— terengah-engah. kutanya ibuku, "apa iya suaraku sekecil itu?". ibuku tersenyum. dijawabnya, "tidak, mereka saja yang terlalu keras hingga tidak mampu mendengar yang lemah sepertimu."
setiap kukatakan isi pikiranku, mereka selalu meminta agar aku mengulangnya. tidak jelas, katanya. ku ulangi lagi, tapi tampaknya mereka masih tidak mengerti. akhirnya mereka menganggapku sebagai angin lalu. apa yang kukatakan, mereka tidak mau tahu.

egoiskah aku jika meminta perhatianmu?

menurutku tidak. lebih egois mana aku dengan mereka; yang selalu berbicara dengan lantang— terkadang tanpa dipikir apa yang bibir mereka lontarkan, yang mungkin tanpa sadar telah meredam suara yang lemah. seperti suaraku.

aku sudah lelah. lebih baik kusimpan, kupikir hingga matang. aku akan belajar cara berbicara, yang benar tentu saja; lantang dan lemah ada waktunya. jika aku sudah pandai, akan kumuntahkan semua pikiran yang sudah masak.

akan kubuat kamu mengerti bagaimana cara yang baik menjadi pembicara dan pendengar.

"now you know why I blog."